does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
