I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
