just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Green mimosas i think yes
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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