the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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