Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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