If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
