Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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