If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
