I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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