So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
