My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing