I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.