Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.