I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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