My room smells like vodka and shame
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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