i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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