dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
