Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
These tits shall not be calmed
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
