how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
