So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
