Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
