It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
