She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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