good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
should my penis look like a turkey
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
