Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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