My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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