My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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