I feel like abortions should bother me more
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
