Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
