if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
