I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
