Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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