It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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