Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
