I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
