There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
