You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
