cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I just want nice things and good sex
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
