i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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