Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
