just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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