My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
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