my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
