I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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