Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
i need an iv and a liver transplant
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
