im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Hippo gnu deer
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
