It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
