Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
