Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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