sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
