can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
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yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
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