4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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