hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I just blew my weed a kiss
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
