Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
