dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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