Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
