I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
