i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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